Stress Mess

I was sick the last few days, crippling stomach pains and ear aches. It happened a few years ago too. That time I think it was from stress even though I don’t really remember exactly what I was stressed about. I slept for 16 hours yesterday and so I’m not very tired now. I talked about him all evening with a college friend, to see what she would do if she was me. I thought about letting him back into the house, he is paying rent after all. I talked to my other friend about it online. No one seems to think it’s a great idea but it is niggling at me.

I had to remember that he came to get me when I needed him. I also had to remember that he kissed her and winked at me. That hurt like hell, hurt like hell. I paced the apartment thinking about what was the right thing to do. Is if fair to make him pay when he doesn’t live here. Is it his fault that I hurt so much? Is it my fault that he cries when I get him talking. I need to remember what he has made me go through. I went Facebook stalking. She is beautiful. Long dark hair, deep brown eyes and slim, light brown skin and looks like she walked off the front cover of vogue. It’s not her fault but seeing her photos reminded me of what I have been through and how I deserve better. He will never treat me with the respect I deserve. Each day at a time and I will get through it. I just hope the stomach pains stop soon.

One friend said “Think of the Wink”  That might just have to become my motto.

Dirty Nails.

My fingernails have dirt in between them. I can’t seem to make them look as clean as they usually do. The dirt has only been there since last night. I wasn’t feeling great the last few weeks. Struggling to get up everyday, usually going to work in the afternoon straight from bed. I would eat and it would come back up. I’d feel fine so I’d stuff myself to make sure I wouldn’t starve. I would sit motionless for hours just smoking and staring at the wall. I’d call to friends and put on a brave face or I’d bitch and moan and find extreme measures to help me be distracted by how I was feeling.

Last night I went out driving, I didn’t really have anywhere to go but I knew where I would end up. On the bench by the water. I’ve ended up there a few times before, the water is calm and it seems to calm me. Last night there was gale force winds and rain, so the water wasn’t as calming as I would have liked it to have been. I smoked cigarettes and sat in the darkness thinking. When I got too upset with thinking, I just sat there staring at the lights reflecting on the water. Thinking or not thinking, I would still end up crying. After a while I was numb. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel sad. I just felt like a shell.

I walked towards the water and I felt it, it was freezing cold, the currant was strong and the waves were bashing against the side wall. I sat on the ledge for a while, digging my nails into the wet grass and thinking about everyone I know. Everytime I had a negative thought I was able to turn it the other way but everytime I had a positive thought I was able to do the same. I felt as if I was going crazy. When the wind got worse I moved to some shelter and kept smoking, lighting one cigarette off another. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to stay sitting in the rain,  I wasn’t sure I was even going to go home. I wasn’t sure of anything.

An hour passed before I felt desperate. Desperate enough to text him, he didn’t text back straight away and after a while of waiting I closed my eyes tightly like a child and started calling him in my head over and over again. Seconds after I started, he texted back, he had been asleep. He was coming to get me. He has seen me in this state once before. I know he doesn’t like it but he takes control and doesn’t panic. I’m not sure who else I could call without them freaking out, crying, asking a thousand questions or watching me like a hawk. He rang when he couldn’t see me, hiding behind some rocks for shelter, he took my hand and led me out. He took me to the car so I could warm up. I cried for over an hour. Just sobbing. No words. Continous wales of sorrow came out of me and Iwasn’t even sure why I was feeling so lost.

We did eventually talk. About lots of things. Things that mattered and things that didn’t. He held my hand when I the tears came back, after a while he took it away saying it was confusing to him because we weren’t friends. He started crying and kept repeating that he didn’t mean to hurt me so much. I’ve come to learn that his sorries mean less than nothing but I sat and listened anyway becaus  that seems to be my default. News came and went, natural laughter would fill the car and once we caught each other eyes we would kill it. Sad to think that having once been best friends we were partly strangers sitting in a car during a little storm.

It was dawna and time to leave and he started to cry. I asked him what was wrong. He said when he figured out where I was he rushed to get me. Afraid I might do something between texting him and travelling time so that someone would find me. I realised then that no matter how bad things ever get. I would never put him or anyone else through that. He sat and leaned on my shoulder saying he missed me, he missed our friendship and he hated that I was feeling so bad. I couldn’t answer because there was nothing more to say.  He asked could we meet during the week, just for a coffee and I could see the fear in his eyes. Fear or rejection. What are you so afraid of I asked him. That’ll you say no he replied. I didn’t think it was a good idea and I told him as much. He didn’t want that reply but he understood. He was grateful to know that I had texted him when I needed him, said he knew I was bad because I had.

I needed him last night more than I ever needed anyone. He came, even with all our problems, he came and when it comes down to it, that’s all that matters. We don’t have to be friends to be there for each other when it really matters

.

Sometimes I miss him so much that I can hardly breathe.

It’s a New Year

So its 2011. I had a boyfriend back in 2003 who believed that the world will end in 2012. Firmly believes it. Thinks that the whole earth will come to a stand still and Jesus will come back and have words, or something to that effect. I don’t believe that will happen, but what if I’m wrong and not about Jesus coming back but what if 2012 is a year of massive world changes and things will never be the same again?

Wouldn’t that make this the last year of the world we know? Yeah I am mostly talking gibberish  but I am looking for a way to motivate myself to doing things I fear doing this year. As always I made a list in my head. It’s just a variation on the list I make a every year. Learn a language, Learn Guitar, Spend more time with my parents, Hang out more with my brother. Keep the good people around me and loose the bad. Same same really.

I am starting the New Year without my best friend. It has been a week since we have talked and I think it will be the first of many many weeks to come. Being honest I see it going into years but I don’t want to think about that right now. I must concentrate on making new friends and doing things for myself. I always end up taking care of others and this year I plan to take care of myself first because if I don’t take care of myself then I am no use to anyone

 

 

 

Christmas

I can’t remember the last time I felt happy.

That’s not  true I can, but everything is changed now and I haven’t felt happy in months.

Not even close.

I like being around friends and being distracted. I like staying up late so I can cry and no one can hear me and then I can sleep half the day away.  I like smoking cigarettes until my throat hurts because it makes the pain go from my heart to my throat. I like being alone sometimes because I don’t want anyone to see me rock bottom. I like to stay in bed and hide under the covers. I like to hear his car come home so I know he is around but I hate that he is in the house.

I hate when he leaves and doesn’t come back. I hate his crocodile tears. I hate that I could only tell him the truth recently. I hate that it hurt him so much. I hate that I lost it and him. I hate that all this has happened. I hate that my life has divided from his and I thought we would be friends for life.

I hate all of this, I hate Christmas this year and slowly I think I might start to hate him.

Feels like Home

I want to stay in this apartment. Granted it’s not very big, it gets cold and sometimes we get damp mould but I like it here. I have a parking space and it’s 5 mins from the centre. I love the smell of the neighbours cooking, it’s always indian spices and they make my mouth water. I love talking to passing strangers as they walk past my steps if I am having a secret cigarette. I like how I’m starting to recognise the sounds of cars as they pass by, I recognise voices from the house up the hill. I hear petty drunken fights and I  know who is cheating on who. I enjoy be able to hear people’s footsteps come up to our door and knowing who it is before they ring the bell. I like how we can hardly hear the bell. I like how suddenly we have 3 chicken next door that roam around in the empty space. I like how I can see the whole city and the Shandon bells from the kitchen table.

This feels like home and I don’t want to leave.

Home Again

I am back at my parents house. Only until Friday though. I have moved out for a few days. I had enough of being treated like that and so I left. I didn’t even say goodbye. I wrote him a letter and left. It took me seven attempts to get it right. I didn’t know how to sign off. I was unable to think of anything fitting and I was an emotional wreck.

I packed my things and left first thing in the morning. I was still half asleep driving over to my parents but I had to get out of there. He was in HER house, he left me the night before bawling my eyes out and so I didn’t want to see him again. When we talk we end up crying and hugging and then end up clinging to our friendship as if life itself will end. I had to go without seeing him. I left the note on his bed. It killed me to walk out the door.

I had to go back this evening to get some stuff I left behind. His light was on and I peered inside, tissues on the bed so I knew he had been crying. It nearly killed me inside, to know I had upset him. He has hurt me so much but I find it so hard to know that I am upsetting someone. Right now my heart is aching and just like the letter, I don’t know how to finish this post.

All about me

I’m going to write here more. I find it therapeutic. To say what I want to say and know that no one I know reads it. I have the flu. Well kinda have the flu. I’ve a snotty nose and a headache and I don’t feel myself at all at all.  Apparently when you’re upset your immune system gets fucked up and so it’s easier to get sicker. I’d believe it. I look and feel like shit for weeks now. My once mostly clear skin is now covered in awful red blotches and spots and I am constantly going to the toilet to clear out my inside. Most of the food I eat won’t stay down because my emotions can’t stay up. It’s all very frustrating really.

Concentrating on myself is hard work. I don’t really know how to do it to be honest. I always put other people before me. Okay not always but on more occasions than I put myself first. I think we should put others first sometimes. We all need each other and some day I will need someone to put me first and so around and around the circle goes. Is that wrong? I can’t see anything wrong with it. Of course I get myself into situations that get me hurt a lot and I don’t know how to get out of them because whatever way I am feeling, I am still looking out for the other person even if they created all the hassle. I seem to suffer from too much empathy.

Which of course would be a great help in Somalia or Ethiopia if I was over there working hard to change their lives but instead I am here feeling sorry for myself and worrying about him.

Ranting

I have a broken heart and I don’t know how to fix it.

Do I make him move out?

Do I cancel our party?

Do I ever want to speak to him again?

I know their was life before him but I don’t want to live in a world without him either.

I’m so confused but he is so selfish and self absorbed. I’ve never been so hurt. Even when Liam left. I was devastated but I knew he had to go and for all the right reasons. This fucktard is only looking out for himself. I want him to get the fuck out of our home but if he leaves I will worry. I will wonder if he is with her. I will die not knowing if he is alright. Who will he talk too? I can’t be an emotional crutch for him though. I can’t be anything. Is it time to let go? Why is it so hard? I feel our thought can be so intertwined that it’s like loosing a piece of myself. Will I be happier when he is not around. Will I talk to him when I see him out? Will he fight for our friendship?Or is he too stubborn? Maybe this is what he wants. Freedom from me and our intense closeness. He wants to just be dark and he wants to be dark and he wants to not have consequences. I only have to pick up the pieces because I tell him when he hurts people it’s not fair. I didn’t think I would end up being one of those people. Not in this kind of situation anyway. I can’t stop vomiting or have diarrohea, I had a moment of panic earlier to imagine what would happen if I was pregnant. It made me laugh for a second, The irony of it. I can’t even look him in the eye and I bet that baby would have the most amazing blue eyes. I’d never escape him. I had my period so it was just me panicking over nothing.

I must get strong in the next day or two. It is my birthday on Wednesday and I don’t want him there. I don’t want to ever see him again really but I will miss him so much. I see and talk to him everyday. I tell him things I don’t tell anyone else. I am so lost and confused and I am so lucky to have friends around me who care so much but I feel so alone. So so alone.

I’m back

Yes, I’ve been in hiding, taking a break from confessional blogging while I got started on writing on a different one.

A sex blog if you must know. It’s alright, mostly just stories that people who know me won’t want to read! I find it theraputic and I get to trasport myself into a different mind frame instead of all this Woa, is me blogging.

Things have been good, the summer was good. The doctor put me on some anti~depressants and they work, I also started sleeping with my best friend so that kinda helps the self esteem as well as sexual urges. I went to Africa on holidays, I went to threee music festivals and I’ve just been happy. I still have bad days but not as many. only a few scattered, its natural to want to burst into tears and feel better after an hour.

I am dreading the winter, cold and dark. I hate it. I am already tryingt othink of ways to combat it. Back to college next week so back to trying to get up early. Lets see how that works out. I passed all my exams which was a relief, especially since I did no work. I may even but the books this year!

I’ll be 26 next month, I’m looking forward to it, mostly because I bought  a new blue dress. I am not looking forward to November when two of my favourite people go away for a month to LA to go touring with the band. October can’t come fast enough and I don’t care if November never comes, can’t we just skip stright to Christmas?