Ranting

I have a broken heart and I don’t know how to fix it.

Do I make him move out?

Do I cancel our party?

Do I ever want to speak to him again?

I know their was life before him but I don’t want to live in a world without him either.

I’m so confused but he is so selfish and self absorbed. I’ve never been so hurt. Even when Liam left. I was devastated but I knew he had to go and for all the right reasons. This fucktard is only looking out for himself. I want him to get the fuck out of our home but if he leaves I will worry. I will wonder if he is with her. I will die not knowing if he is alright. Who will he talk too? I can’t be an emotional crutch for him though. I can’t be anything. Is it time to let go? Why is it so hard? I feel our thought can be so intertwined that it’s like loosing a piece of myself. Will I be happier when he is not around. Will I talk to him when I see him out? Will he fight for our friendship?Or is he too stubborn? Maybe this is what he wants. Freedom from me and our intense closeness. He wants to just be dark and he wants to be dark and he wants to not have consequences. I only have to pick up the pieces because I tell him when he hurts people it’s not fair. I didn’t think I would end up being one of those people. Not in this kind of situation anyway. I can’t stop vomiting or have diarrohea, I had a moment of panic earlier to imagine what would happen if I was pregnant. It made me laugh for a second, The irony of it. I can’t even look him in the eye and I bet that baby would have the most amazing blue eyes. I’d never escape him. I had my period so it was just me panicking over nothing.

I must get strong in the next day or two. It is my birthday on Wednesday and I don’t want him there. I don’t want to ever see him again really but I will miss him so much. I see and talk to him everyday. I tell him things I don’t tell anyone else. I am so lost and confused and I am so lucky to have friends around me who care so much but I feel so alone. So so alone.

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