Christmas

I can’t remember the last time I felt happy.

That’s not  true I can, but everything is changed now and I haven’t felt happy in months.

Not even close.

I like being around friends and being distracted. I like staying up late so I can cry and no one can hear me and then I can sleep half the day away.  I like smoking cigarettes until my throat hurts because it makes the pain go from my heart to my throat. I like being alone sometimes because I don’t want anyone to see me rock bottom. I like to stay in bed and hide under the covers. I like to hear his car come home so I know he is around but I hate that he is in the house.

I hate when he leaves and doesn’t come back. I hate his crocodile tears. I hate that I could only tell him the truth recently. I hate that it hurt him so much. I hate that I lost it and him. I hate that all this has happened. I hate that my life has divided from his and I thought we would be friends for life.

I hate all of this, I hate Christmas this year and slowly I think I might start to hate him.

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