My fingernails have dirt in between them. I can’t seem to make them look as clean as they usually do. The dirt has only been there since last night. I wasn’t feeling great the last few weeks. Struggling to get up everyday, usually going to work in the afternoon straight from bed. I would eat and it would come back up. I’d feel fine so I’d stuff myself to make sure I wouldn’t starve. I would sit motionless for hours just smoking and staring at the wall. I’d call to friends and put on a brave face or I’d bitch and moan and find extreme measures to help me be distracted by how I was feeling.
Last night I went out driving, I didn’t really have anywhere to go but I knew where I would end up. On the bench by the water. I’ve ended up there a few times before, the water is calm and it seems to calm me. Last night there was gale force winds and rain, so the water wasn’t as calming as I would have liked it to have been. I smoked cigarettes and sat in the darkness thinking. When I got too upset with thinking, I just sat there staring at the lights reflecting on the water. Thinking or not thinking, I would still end up crying. After a while I was numb. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel sad. I just felt like a shell.
I walked towards the water and I felt it, it was freezing cold, the currant was strong and the waves were bashing against the side wall. I sat on the ledge for a while, digging my nails into the wet grass and thinking about everyone I know. Everytime I had a negative thought I was able to turn it the other way but everytime I had a positive thought I was able to do the same. I felt as if I was going crazy. When the wind got worse I moved to some shelter and kept smoking, lighting one cigarette off another. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to stay sitting in the rain, I wasn’t sure I was even going to go home. I wasn’t sure of anything.
An hour passed before I felt desperate. Desperate enough to text him, he didn’t text back straight away and after a while of waiting I closed my eyes tightly like a child and started calling him in my head over and over again. Seconds after I started, he texted back, he had been asleep. He was coming to get me. He has seen me in this state once before. I know he doesn’t like it but he takes control and doesn’t panic. I’m not sure who else I could call without them freaking out, crying, asking a thousand questions or watching me like a hawk. He rang when he couldn’t see me, hiding behind some rocks for shelter, he took my hand and led me out. He took me to the car so I could warm up. I cried for over an hour. Just sobbing. No words. Continous wales of sorrow came out of me and Iwasn’t even sure why I was feeling so lost.
We did eventually talk. About lots of things. Things that mattered and things that didn’t. He held my hand when I the tears came back, after a while he took it away saying it was confusing to him because we weren’t friends. He started crying and kept repeating that he didn’t mean to hurt me so much. I’ve come to learn that his sorries mean less than nothing but I sat and listened anyway becaus that seems to be my default. News came and went, natural laughter would fill the car and once we caught each other eyes we would kill it. Sad to think that having once been best friends we were partly strangers sitting in a car during a little storm.
It was dawna and time to leave and he started to cry. I asked him what was wrong. He said when he figured out where I was he rushed to get me. Afraid I might do something between texting him and travelling time so that someone would find me. I realised then that no matter how bad things ever get. I would never put him or anyone else through that. He sat and leaned on my shoulder saying he missed me, he missed our friendship and he hated that I was feeling so bad. I couldn’t answer because there was nothing more to say. He asked could we meet during the week, just for a coffee and I could see the fear in his eyes. Fear or rejection. What are you so afraid of I asked him. That’ll you say no he replied. I didn’t think it was a good idea and I told him as much. He didn’t want that reply but he understood. He was grateful to know that I had texted him when I needed him, said he knew I was bad because I had.
I needed him last night more than I ever needed anyone. He came, even with all our problems, he came and when it comes down to it, that’s all that matters. We don’t have to be friends to be there for each other when it really matters
