Bright Eyes

The first time  I saw him was on a Monday. I had never seen him before but the some of the others seemed to know him.  I was immediately mesmerised by his bright eyes and had already managed to make eye contact with my friend to say, “Who is that guy!?” I made a few random jokes to get his attention and get his attention I did, we talked across the table, mostly mocking each other but it was something.  Coming back from the toilet, I sat down next to him and started to chat. He turned and smiled at me and we continued talking, we talked with the whole group but he seemed get my sense of humour and for the first time ever it seemed like I had a made a good impression. I had butterflies in my tummy and I knew I could spend the rest of the night talking only to him.

Now fast forward three years later and we are best friends, we live together, we holiday together, we talk without words and it is still unrequited. Sometimes it’s alright, when we’re alone anyway. We share secrets and I help him out with things when he gets stressed out, I have him spoilt, I know I do, he knows it too. I know him better than anyone but I keep myself shut off from him sometimes, I’m afraid he’ll figure it out and think our friendship is a farce. It isn’t a farce of course, it just so happens that I am also in love with him, and his bright eyes.

Maths Equation

In theory it should work.

Two friends + fooling about = fun times.

Two friends + having the ability to talk about it = less freaking out about it.

Two friends – one girl with confidence = self doubt

I was never very good at Maths so I’m not really sure where that leaves me.

7 things you need for silence

Things needed if you are giving up talking for 24 hours for charity.

1. A doodle board (for small chit~chat)

2. A notebook (about 200 pages should do it, This can be used for longer conversations!)

3. Cigarettes or Chewing Gum (Handy when stressed out of you realised you have chewed the inside of your gum away to keep you from talking)

4. Board Games (Do not play if you are not able to win, losing without being able to moan about it, is not only horrible but boring for the winner)

5. Music you have never heard before (Music you don’t know means lyrics you don’t know, which means no singing along!)

6. Chocolate (No explanation needed)

and 7. your favourite people in the world. Gather them all together and make them stay with you. They’ll torture you in with things that never bothered you before, they will drag you around town and make you socialise, they’ll text you when they know you can’t reply, they’ll take fake phone calls and whisper because you can’t ask what’s going on and they’ll drive you around the bend until you think you are going to lose the plot completely.

The thing is though, at the end of the day when you are about to start talking again and you have butterflies in your tummy and you’re starting to get really nervous, you’ll say your first few words and look around and see that amidst a crowd of social acquaintances are 5 faces looking at you and they are smiling, they are smiling because they are proud.

Feeling Free

After work yesterday I met a friend I had been trying to catch up with for ages, we had tea and a chat and on my way back to the car another friend phoned so I walked over to her house for more tea and more chatting. I was suddenly being kidnapped into going out so I showered and robbed some clothes. I had to meet friends in one pub and she had to go to another pub. We went our separate ways with plans to meet up later.

I met some random friends I have, random because I know them all from the internet, a local forum and but we all know each other now. It’s nice to have them since I don’t have any word friends. There was a new guy there, he wasn’t from the forum though he was a brother of one of the lad and his name was Paul. He kinda freaked me out a little because I had once seen him in a passing glance and he reminded me of Craig (more on him another day!) and it kinda took my breath away. I haven’t seen Craig on over 2 years and he was the head off him, he even had the big brown eyes. Craig certainly wasn’t my type anymore, which meant this guy wasn’t either but there was something about him that brought me back to the way I felt when I was with Craig. I’m not really one for being too forward or flirty but I started chatting to him about work and all that usual stuff and when he went to buy me a drink it seemed a whole hour had passed. The problem with this is, I talk to boys all the time, about anything they want and now I can’t tell the difference between “I’m interested in you” or “It’s fricking awesome I can say anything to you”

So 4 drinks, 3 cigarette breaks and a few silly jokey insults from me later, we went outside for another cigarette. We were standing by the doorway trying to stay out of line from the window and we continued our chat from earlier. God only knows what we were talking about, it was mundane anyway. Passing sentences and jumbled words from lips that were waiting to be kissed. Our bodies were facing each other and touching and we were talking directly into each others ears, cheek to cheek, waiting for one person to pull away slowly, for the inevitable head tilt. Seconds of more mundane chat and then the kiss. I have never kissed a stranger in my life, yes I realise I was talking to him for an hour but I never met him before this. I loved it, I loved that I didn’t know him, and it was all fuelled by physical chemistry. It was hot and passionate and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to stop kissing him but the threat of pneumonia was setting in so we went back inside and we innocently drank our drinks for a while before he caved. More kissing insued and it continued all night long, we moved pubs we went for food, we chatted and then there was all the kissing in between.

Anyone I’ve ever kissed has been my friend or at least someone in my social circle so I’d see them in a  few days, I don’t know how to do the whole “Goodbye, it was really nice swapping saliva with you for the past 5 hours!” He pulled me aside and took my number and while I wasn’t sure I wanted him to use it, I thought it was a sweet gesture. I was high on a cute guys kisses until it turns out, according to one of the lads there that he has a girlfriend. Being high on a cheaters kisses isn’t really the same,or at least doesn’t have the same spring in your step to it.

More random things happened when I saw my two best friends kissing, Now this was LONG overdue and should have happened a life time ago and while it was sweet to see, it was odd, on so many levels. Her heart on her sleeve, his heart nicely wrapped and packaged away for someone else. It broke my heart to see in a way but at least she got her kiss now. I had kissed a stranger and she had kissed him, a bet we had made a few weeks pervious.

A friend walked me to my car to deliver news I was unsure what to make of, “Tension” he said. “Do you feel it?” “No, I answered, do you?”  “Yeah, I do, I always do, I thought you did too but I thought it was minimal but when I saw you kissing Paul, I was crazy jealous”   “Oh” was all I could manage, I gave him a hug and dropped him home.He has a girlfriend anyway so I don’t know what he is yammering on about.

It was the most strange night I’ve ever had out. I kissed a stranger, one best friend kissed the other, I saw a friend in a  fight, the same friend told me he was crazy jealous when he saw me kissing someone and it turns out hot stranger had a girlfriend. I woke up with cracked lips smiling and rang me friend in Indonesia to tell him, he loves to hear about my crazy nights out and I realised as always that my best friend is in London. Only when he is away do I feel entirely free.

Please stop farting in my car, it makes me cry.

I cried tears after I left you tonight. Big heavy sobbing tears. I had to pull the car over at the side of the road and wait until they had passed.

You laughed when I clung to you and I laughed because you felt that this was a great opportunity to fart A fine example of how mad our friendship is. The thing is, I want to promise you that you will  not forgotten, not by me or by anyone else we know.I wish you could understand, understand properly without me having to sound silly while trying to explain that you don’t have to write a book, or be a famous photographer or win a nobel prize to change the world. You just need to reach out and make a difference to someone, just one person and that one person will reach out and touch someone else and so the circle goes on and on and you’ll have been a part of it. You are a part of it. You reached out and I let you in and now I in turn will reach out. We are all connected in a way that means no ones legacy will be left behind or become just scraps of paper or worn out photos.

I will remember and I will make sure that no one forgets. Pinky Promise.

Confused doesn’t even cut it.

While wearing my favourite black dress, I sat on his bed with my feet dangling over the edge.He was in the bathroom and I could hear the taps running. To my left there was a pile of magazine and randoms scraps of paper. I flicked through a magazine,read the back of DVD case, picked up random fliers and went to move a notepad out of the way. I glanced at the page and saw musical notes written down with scribbled words underneath. Without even realising it, I had stumbled apoun the very first song he had written and before I had even finished the fourth line, I had to pause for a second to let it sink in, that this song was about me.

In the shadow of a street light

I remember someone telling me once  that all the answers to life’s questions can be found in the movies.

It’s like we are already going out. I see him everyday. We go for dinner and talk for hours, we go to the cinema and end up whispering and laughing through the movie. I bring him dinner when he is sick and sit with him until he falls asleep. When I am down, he comes over and makes me feel better. He doesn’t have to ask me if I want sugar in my tea and when he is hungover I bring him his breakfast. I drop him home from town and when he has an hour free, he calls and we sit in the conservatory and complain about how fast the hour went. I hold his hand when he finds it hard to open up.

There was a kiss back in February and there was a night of madness is Thailand. A night neither of us expected but left us both smiling for days. He didn’t want to bring it home he said, I warned him it would follow us, he didn’t believe me when I said it but it has come back with us.

Last night in the shadow of a street light, we cuddled up and talked. I thought it would be alright since we were in company but as sleepy eyes closed and the night closed in, we kissed. It’s not awkward or strange, it feels as natural as breathing. Lying down facing each other and looking into his eyes, I realised we had crossed from being friends with accidental benefits to something else. I wonder does he feel this too/

I got home today and watched “When Harry met Sally”.I found my answer. Men and Women can’t really be friends, at least not the kind of friends we have become. I’ll have to go talk to him.

Silent language

I knew he needed me, he didn’t even have to say it. We have been communicating without words for months now. A secret language that doesn’t even require facial movement. I brought him outside and sat with him, his body seemed rigid and tense. I rubbed his knee and asked him did he want to talk about it. Without even looking at me, he answered no. When you know someone so well it can be hard not to push them to talk but I knew I had to be patient. Patience not being one of  my best skills I made conversation. I started easy and let the conversation be directed by his answers, I knew I would figure out what was wrong once I listened to what he wasn’t saying. There was a pause between answers and he looked me straight in the eye and said all he had to say. His eyes filled up and a little piece of me broke. I threw my arms around him and took his head in my chest and rocked him until he could cry no more. We smoked cigarettes and held hands and in those few hours I knew we had cemented our friendship for life.

Telling the Truth

I have a friend. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, I don’t have to finish my sentences, I don’t have to tell him how I’m feeling and I don’t have to be anything but myself with him. I like that, knowing I can just be me. Holidays can do funny things to you, they make you over emotional, I was bursting into tears randomly all the time, you like to think you can relax but whatever it is that was bothering you in going to follow you  no matter how far away a plane can take you.

I have a secret, one I have carried since I was 9. I’ve never told anyone, I never wanted too. I was afraid they would see me differently, treat me differently or be freaked out. Lying awake in a bunglow, hot an sticky from the summer heat we started talking about the people we were before we knew each other. It was comforting to know that we all change some how while growing up.

Cuddled up and feeling secure, it was there in a bunglow, with only one fan, on a island off the coast of  Thailand that I told my secret to another human. I broke down and cried for a secret so old that I couldn’t remember how I had carried it for so long. When the tears had dried it was then that I realised I had opened my soul and let someone in.

I felt free.

Pushing Buttons

I have one friend who has the link to my blog. I gave it to him because I accidentally stumbled across his and it seemed only fair to share the secret blog world was I was about to create. He was my first reader until I started to post in other blogs.

In 10 days I will have to get on stage and talk in front of 600 people. Talking, I can do. put me in front of a mirror and I will talk. A talent in front of 600 people? I don’t think so! I wracked my brains for days, thought about learning the unicycle, singing a song bakwards while stading on myhead and performing the Hannah Montana dance. All to avoid what my mother told me to do. Sing.

Tonight I started to panic and had everyone trying to help me think about a talent I could master in 10 days or less or to improve on a talent I already have. This friend of mine loves to mock me, annoy me and tease me. He does this in front of a crowd, we’ll have  fake spat and life continues on. There are no apologies or hugs, only sly smiles and winks. When everyone was busy dancing, he turned to me and said “If only you could use your personality in your talent, you’d be great” I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not, I looked at him and he smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back.”And no one hear to witness it”  It was so typical of him to compliment me when no one was around to believe these words could come out of his mouth.

I brought him home and it started in the car, he wanted me to sing. Just to see if I was good enough to get on stage and not mortifiy myself. I told him why I was so afraid and because he wasn’t answering I continued talking and continued to bare my fears. In between my mumbled ramblings he turned to me and said “I am proud of you and will be no matter what”  What could I say to that? I just want someone to be proud of me.

He sang a song for me and a while later I was brave enough to sing to him. I had to leave the car I was so sure I was going to puke. I cried the whole way home and I have no idea why. I know now though that I can get up on stage and just be myself and that he will be sitting somewhere in the crowd being as proud of me as I want them to be.

So, to my first reader and one of my favourite people in the world. No one can push my buttons like you can. I respect you, love you and hope that we will be friends forever.