Muffled Crying

I came home last night with my headphones on and the music blasting in my ears, I dumped my bag, laptop and coat on the floor and saw my housemates face pop out his bedroom door, he was sitting on the fllor looking up at me. I didn’t smile, I didn’t wave, I didn’t even acknowledge him, I just went straight to  my room.  I climbed into my bed, put the covers over my head and cried, I muffled the sound with a scarf, some pillows and hoped that the music he has on would drown out the sound anyway.

This happens sometimes, the crying. I wasn’t particularally sad about anything, life is life, it has ups and downs but sometimes the crying starts and I never know when it will stop. Of course, I didn’t really mention this to my housemate before moving in with him. I eventually managed to drag myself out of bed and go into him, I sat next to him while he talked about the mundane. Distracted chat really, the tears kept flowing but I kept conversation going.

By the time our other housemate had gotten home, I had calmed down but as soon I caught his gaze, my eyes welled up again. The three of us huddled in one triangular shaped room talked about music and books and did everything to not talk about the fact I had not stopped crying in over an hour.

Being upset is hard work, it can make  girl hungry so I made some dinner and showered, I hadn’t even closed the door before I was bawling again, the boys knocked to make sure I was alright. I wanted to hide, go somewhere nowhere could hear me and cry properly. Long empty sobs, but you have to put on a brave face for people don’t you.

I went to bed for a while with one of them, just too talk, he rubbed my back, ran his fingers through my hair and made me think of  Thailand and other such adventures. When he got sleepy, I returned to the living room, to a patiently waiting housemate. I lay down on the couch and when he had finished tidying away the table he came and sat in front of me, put his arm around me and said I hate to see you so sad. This made me more sad and I couldn’t figure out why.

We sat and talked until all hours of the morning, he listened to me talking about places and people, stories from when I was a kid and new about what had happened that day. He laughed when I asked too many questions and he said all the right things at the right time. I hugged him goodnight and went to bed, closed my eyes and go to sleep and my phone beeped. “You have made a friend for life” it read, and it was from my housemate, who is quickly going up my scale of favourite people to be around.

How many more days?

Yesterday I spent all my food money on a hoodie because I thought it would distract me and make me feel better.

On Friday night I got all dressed up and went to meet people at a birthday party that I had no interest in spending time with just to get out of the house.

Today, I didn’t go to college because I wanted to be alone.

I wanted to be alone because when someone starts to talk to me, I want to tell to tell them that while I really do what to listen to them and I want to respond and  to help if the situation requires, but that it feels like there is a massive brick on my chest all the time and it makes concentrating hard. I want to tell them that I’m not sleeping properly, that I can’t seem to shut my mind off when I’m alone which is why I want company but when I have company and I’m with  friend alone, I start to cry, not because I want them to know but because I can’t put on a brave face for another day, usually after a cry I can put it back the mask back on for a while and it’s alright but I can’t just keep randomly crying on their shoulders. They hold me close and it makes me cry more and then I have to keep saying “I’m alright” more to convince myself than them though. It makes me not want to go to bed sometimes, because going to bed means trying to sleep, watching the hours tick by and then another day.

So,here I am after avoiding college and I must get ready for work soon and all I can sigh to myself is “another day”

Where’s my Saint?

During the summer while feeling particularly down, I contacted a friend who was on holidays in the UK. I asked him to being me back some St Johns wort. Having used this when I was younger, I knew when it was time to take action rather than sit in my own black hole. He returned a week later with a DVD for me. It was like he didn’t care. I never got around to watching it, it was entitled St John’s Wort and I can’t imagine how a DVD would help so I put it away and forgot about it, only getting annoyed on down days that I didn’t have anything to stabilise my moods of sadness. I watched some of it earlier, it was presented by Stephen Fry and there are a few familiar celebrity faces in it. I couldn’t watch anymore and went out. It was all about bi-polar and while I certainly don’t think I am bi-polar, there was so many feelings I could relate too. The constant fear of falling down the hole, the not knowing what kind of day I was going to have, the constant trying to keep myself higher than normal, just to try balance out what I am feeling inside. It’s so hard to explain to the others, I don’t know what to say, I want to apologise,I must be a nightmare to be around, especially when I don’t talk, I’m sure they love the peace but it must freak them out. I just want the company, but I sit there and don’t say anything.Sometimes I just can’t talk. I know I will cry, cry over nothing, tears and moans of a hollow heart.

Can anyone see me?

I am getting frustrated with myself. I want to look and feel better and I am trying everything I can to do that, I am eating the right foods and exercising but I’m still not pretty or slim enough. I don’t want to be a size 0. I just want to be a size ten, curvy and pretty. I’m not far offf being a size ten, about a stone to go but I am getting frustrated now knowing that even when I am a size 10, it won’t change things. I can’t change my face, how my forehead is too high, how my hair is too thin. I can’t change my teeth without loads of money and I don’t have loads of money so that leaves me with these teeth (for now anyway) Do we constantly try to change ourselves until we realise we weren’t the person we were before, the person we were when we were younger or when we were with someone else. They say that beauty is only skin deep and that can be true sometimes but if no one is willing to get to know me, how will they ever know? The people who do know me like me, but they like me so much they can’t see me as anything other than a secret keeper and advice giver.

Screaming out

It’s amazing, I can be surrounded by the all the people I love most in the world and feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs to them. Hug me, hold me, protect me and love me. They can’t hear me because who wants to hear that their friend feels like they are dying inside. It’s not as bad as it sounds really. I am very lucky to have my friends and all the people who surround me but its not enough you know? I want more, I want more than great friends, Yeah I’m back to the whole I need to be loved thing. It has become an obsession the last few days. I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough or whatever enough. I am sick of being everyones confidant and best friend and no ones  someone special.

Meh.

It’s 3.30 am and I’m all stuck in my head. I never know what is actually going on in there. I had a great day, I cleaned my room so that’d I’d maybe be able to clear my mind. I had a delicious dinner with a friend and went to see UP. I wouldn’t usually go see an animated movie but I relaly enjoyed it and had good banter all night. By the time I got hime though, I felt so unsure of myself, not for any reason though, just unsure of myself. It’ll be my birthday soon, in about 9 days or so. I used to be so excited about it, counting down the days and planning something to do. This year for some reason I want it to just pass over like any other day. I know when people get older they hate their birthdays but I’m only turning 25 it’s not like I’m about to get my pension. Anyway, I can’t sleep and I’m bothered by the fact that it’s only been winter weather about a week and I’m already feeling a case of SAD coming on. I hate winter and all the emotions that come with it.

The New Swing

I love garden swings. We’ve always had one but last year it broke and it only got replaced last week. I love swings, there is something so soothing about them, rocking back and forth and you can you can be transported anywhere. I haven’t been able to shift the lonesoem blue feeling but I have been able to wait some of it out in the new swing.

Driving home the other night, my mother phoned from Kerryto see how the gig was and to have a chat. I made some excuse about the garda being up ahead so I wouldn’t have to talk to her. I love my mother but sometimes just hearing her voice makes me want to cry. I was having a panic attack, I could feel it coming. My heart was racing, I thought I was going to die at any minute even though I knew that there was no logical explanation for me to drop dead. My stomach started to hurt and even with the car windows down, I was short of breath and was getting scared. I’ve a had a few of these before, each one worse than the last.

When I got home, I put on my PJ’s, found a fleecy blanket and went to sit on my new swing.  There were a few random texts between me and my friend, nothing important or mention worthy. I sat and rocked back and forth, zoned out and confused. I took the roof cover off the swing and tried to place the stars. After a little while I felt someone watching me, I turned looked into the conservatory to see my friend walking out. 1am isn’t usually his calling time but I knew why he was here. It seems he can read between the lines, or at least decifher when I’m lying in a text.  He didn’t say anything when he came out and I wasn’t able to talk anyway. I stopped the swing from moving and let him  sit down, he put his arms around me and I started to cry so I pushed him away. Don’t touch me I wimpered, you’ll make it worse.

We sat in silence for a while and he held my hand while I tried to stay calm and breathe at a normal pace. He talked about work and some other random things and I slowly felt the tight pain in my chest ease. Being a man, he want’s to fix the problem, but being a woman, I’m not sure what the problem is. We talked about things that were worrying me and what I can and cannot do to change them. Of course it doens’t matter what I think because the world will keep on turning just the same anyway.I eventually sent him home knowing he had work in the morning.

After he left I went back out on the swing for a while. I realised though that the swing wasn’t new anymore, not to me anyway. It had heard my secrets and felt my tears.

Lonesome Blues

My friend once gave his girlfriend a rabbit teddy bear. He told me the story of how Lapin became part of their relationship and how it makes him happy and sad to see the bear star in photo’s that he sees online. I started to cry. I have no emotional attachment to this cute bear but this story made me so upset. I think I’m lonely. Scratch that, I know I’m lonely. I don’t think I’ve been this lonely since Rome.

Back at the start of 2008 I went to Rome with all the gang, there was 7 of us and since I love Rome and I love my friends I was in paradise.  Three days into my trip, while walking by Campo Di Fiori, I started to cry. I cried for three days straight with little or not sleep. I wept and wept and I screamed. My soul was shattered and I wasn’t sure what I was meant to do to fix it. I couldn’t eat, I hardly drank, I was so dehydrated and the tears kept coming. I was having such a wonderful time and suddenly all I was doing was crying and screaming. It must have been terrifying for the others, the sat with me and rubbed my head, held my hand and tried to get me to eat. I ruined their holiday for them.

Sometimes I feel that feeling creep up again, I can’t explain it but I know it now as “Rome syndrome”. When my heart starts to ache for someone, anyone. For a human touch and love. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Just a human to hold me close. Sometimes I feel so alone, it is like being back in Campi Di Fiori crying and screaming and no one even turning around to look.

Not a doctor, a builder.

As it turns out, I’m not a doctor at all. I am a builder.

That is the revelation my friend came to last night while we sat on his couch as I told him the truth about how I have been feeling the last few weeks. He said he couldn’t believe that I was hiding behind such huge walls. I didn’t even realise I had built them up but I could feel myself hiding behind them. We sat up talking for hours. Everytime I went to explain what  was bothering me I couldn’t get the words out. I’d get a terrible  lump in my throat and the tears would just start streaming down. In the end I just gave up and listened to him talk about music, movie and girls. I eventually passed out from exhaustion. Now it’s Sunday and I kinda wish I had a one way ticket out of here, sadly I know that the things that are bothering me will follow me wherever I go.

Postcard taken from www.postsecret.com

Crying Game

This life is really just a game right? You go through the motions, play a part, act your scenes and hope you make it to the end of the board. The thing is, they never give you instructions. Seems you gotta play the game alone.It’s kinda like when Hugh Grant says in about a boy ” The thing is, a person’s life is like a TV show. I was the star of The Will Show. And The Will Show wasn’t an ensemble drama. Guests came and went, but I was the regular. It came down to me and me alone.” I feel like that today. I feel like I’m living in a terrible sit com, Single woman in her mid-twenties goes crazy for a week. Who would even watch that? It would probably make a cable channel I guess.

I have been crying half the day, over…nothing. Seriously. On Friday’s me and Aoife go to the park with a kid in her class  and his Dad(I call him Hot School Guy) but his Dad wasn’t there and I was disappointed because I like our Friday chats and I had a bit of a weep later, so stupid I know. I went to work all stressed out and Chuckles phoned, I didn’t even wanna answer to be honest. I was so scared to talk to him. I did answer though and he wanted to go for food.I was secretly delighted to be working or I would have gone and he wasn’t there for me when I needed him so I am not running back until we talk it out. Of course as soon as I hung up, I was crying again. Typical female like, there must be a full moon due or something. Tara texted me to tell me she saw Liam with his wife today, now this really is stupid because I didn’t see him, Tara did but I guess I am jealous she saw him because everyone else always sees him but whatever. All I read in her message was “I saw Liam today” and the tears came strolling down my already tear stained face.

I am mental.

It’s been one of those weeks, The car broke down three times, I got it fixed and it broke down again, I left my keys behind twice, I know thats not a big deal but it shows Im not with it this week. I bought the same dress in three clours, I’m not sure what that means either because even though its a lovely dress, Do I need three? I ordered the wrong pizza for the kids even though they told me about 10 times what they wanted. I must be losing my mind. Old age I guess.

Next full moon, March 11th. Can’t blame the moon then.Damm.