More to life than 96fm

It’s been one of those weeks where I have either been really up or really down or just all over the place.

When I’ve been down I’ve wanted to throw kettles (and other kitchen appliances) at peoples heads. I’ve wanted to scream and shout and just go mental.

When I was in good form I was chatty and being funny and wanting to be around people and loving being busy.

When I was neither here nor there, I was clinging to people for comfort and love, the smile or wink that lets me know they love me.

Since moving out I can’t figure myself out, I was so used to the comfort of running into Mom and saying I’m not feeling great. I’ve bickered so much with housemate 1, I can’t tell him and I’m only  getting to know housemate 2. I feel bad because I have depended on the other so much more, making the stay late, asking them to stay over and making sure that I have this really strong support system.  I don’t know how they put up with me to be honest, I won’t shut up the I go quite, I don’t know my arse form my elbow when it comes to talking about anything to do with, well anything really. Politics, world affairs, authors, music, movie directors, Not a clue.

Makes me wonder why they hang out with me at all, yeah sure I’ll say anything to anyone about anything but have i got substance?!

I gotta go to a class, a class on confidence and world affairs maybe I should start taking and interest in the news, I don’t think the Evening Echo and 96fm have it all covered somehow.

28 strangers on a bus

On June 13th, I will get on stage and compete against 30 girls for the title of the Cork Rose. Before I can do this, I have to go to media events, be in photos, smile like someone on cocaine and be really sweet at all times.

On Saturday afternoon I joined 28 strangers on a bus to Tralee. I sat next to a pretty girl called Andrea and I sought refuge in her friendly face and was reassured that she was the only other person who wasn’t travelling with a massive suitcase. I’m quite chatty and outgoing  but with girls I freeze, I don’t know what girls talk about. Well, I do, they talk about boys but while I like talking about boys, I would rather talk to a boy.

We had to play silly name games to try and remember each other. My name is artfreak and I’m 24 and I like taking the piss and being sarcastic. Other people liked pina coladas, dancing in the rain…*insert more cliches here* I fell asleep half way down, I was getting a headache and lacked all human abilities to make conversation.

We all got dressed up and after taking some photos we headed out on the town. 28 people arriving into a pub at once, attracted a fair few looks. We sat, we chatted, we danced and I stated to relax. I chatted with a few of the lads (there was 4 on the trip) It’s a face commonly know that I have lost all ability to flirt. When I was young I was shit hot and now.. nothing. My male friends have destroyed me. I know how to get boys to open up, I know how to give them advice and sort things out, I don’t know how to flirt. So, by the end of the night I had two friends. Andrea who was my room mate and John who couldn’t stop talking to me about every waking thought he was having.

Back at the hotel, all gathered around we had a sing song. By the time I heard “Whiskey in the Jar” for the fourth time, I had to move, I wandered over to a stag party who were huddled in the corner. I started chatting to them and before I knew it, my shoes were off and I felt right at home amongst these strange lads while I just took the piss outta them. Slowly people drifted off to bed but I couldn’t sleep. Happy not to be talking about shoes and  make up I stayed up until dawn, mocking a guy who hated the word “poo” and “panties”.

At breakfast, I mingled with different tables and chatted with the familiar faces from the residents bar the night before. Packing up to leave was easy, I through all my things into a bag and headed towards reception. The echo of screaming girls trying to pack filled the dark hallway. I sat in reception waiting for them to get ready to head back on the bus to Cork. I watched as people handed back keys and paid for their room. Andrea sat down next to me and we watched the people pass together.Suddenly the foyer was filled with girls, suitcases and laughter. I looked around at the new friends I made and thought. it’s not so bad being girl after all.

Tick Tock Time

I sat down at piano yesterday and I couldn’t play it. I never learned to play so why would I be able to.Makes perfect sense doesn’t it?  I got so frustrated with myself, I sat and play “fur elise” with one finger until I couldn’t listen anymore. I went into another room and tried to sit and just gather my thoughts. I saw a guitar in the corner, and while I have managed to learn a whole 2 chords, I can’t actually play anything. I sat and strummed, playing G and E minor over and over. I soon got tiresome and decided to go for a drive to clear my head.I turned on the ipod to let the waves of music rush over me. Andrea Bochelli started to sing in Italian and I didn’t have a clue what he was saying, so no surprise that I wanted to fuck the ipod out the window.

When I finally managed to just sweep all my thoughts up from around me and think about them. I started to get afraid. Time isn’t going to wait for me, it’s going to keep moving. I started 2 college courses and quit. I moved to Spain and I came home after a few days. I can’t speak a foreign language and while I did play violin for 9 years, I can only manage to play twinkle twinkle now. I used to knit, but over did it and got bored. I made jewellrey, but again it was just  phase. What exactly am I doing here and how am I making a difference?

I don’t have an outlet to express myself clearly and passionately. Some people have music, surfing, drawing or dance. I’ve got a mouth that says the silliest things, I rarely think before I speak and I’d rather make some laugh at my expense than have no laughter at all. I’ll be 25 this year and I’m begining to realise, I’ve been wasting alot of time.

Say my name, say my name.

I love when people say my name. Whether its a friend or a family member it gives me a serious case of the inner giggles. It’s so stupid because I know my family know my name, they named me! Obviously my friends know my name but if they say it, in a message, online or in person, I always think  “Aww, they know my name”  It’s the stupidest thing ever but when I hear them say my name I want to jump up and down and hug them really tightly for ages. I can’t explain why though.